Thinking about the NFL Playoffs recently more than one person has explored the possibility that if indeed everything plays out a certain way, that it very well may be that the Denver Broncos and the Seattle Seahawks could meet in this year’s Super Bowl. Being that this past November both the states of Washington and Colorado voted to legalize marijuana for recreational use, the obvious stoner jokes are flying everywhere you turn.
Never one to shy away from such matters, I have decided to ask the reader to suspend disbelief for a few minutes as take a look as to what could possibly occur at such an anticipated event……
So without any further adieu, I give you the highlights from Super Stoner Bowl 1.
Super Bowl 47 has finally finished after 2 days and 112 overtime periods with no clear victor in perhaps the most enjoyable sporting contest in American History. 72,003 football fans packed the Louisiana Superdome to witness the event, which had all the potential of a titanic clash between the Denver Broncos and the Seattle Seahawks.
Both teams came into the game very prepared, However from the outset, things went at a snails pace….
Snoop Dog was on hand to entertain the fans with a rousing rendition of the National Anthem. However due to a scheduling error (he was still in his hotel room with his entourage when he was to appear as he was under the impression that the game had already been played) a last second decision to play a video of Jimi Hendrix’s performance of The Star Spangled Banner on the Jumbotron would have to suffice for the already agitated and paranoid capacity crowd. The player introductions commenced with the players emerging from oversized football helmets in opposite ends of the field. This led to a substantial amount of confusion as the smoke machines were already doing their work. Superdome employees were seen tossing bails of skunk weed into the machines, disorienting both teams. At one point the Broncos had to be led hand in hand to the North end of the field to be reintroduced a total of 9 times as the pall of sweet smoke rose into a giant cloud above the field and the team was simply standing around looking up in awe of the fog that surrounded them.
2 hours later the game began…
Denver began their first drive at the 20 because the ball passed through the hands of returner Trindon Holiday upon kickoff and out of the endzone……where it was then lost. Referees forgot where the other game balls were so it took an additional few minutes for somebody to grab a commemorative ball from the gift shop.
Denver’s first drive began and ended just where it started. Quarterback Peyton Manning struggled to get the Broncos to break huddle as the Offensive lineman were seen giggling and asking Manning over and over: “Ok now…what? Oh, Ok! BREAK!”.
Whereupon they simply got back in the huddle and began giggling again….
A 3 and Out (which took over an hour) led to a 9 yard punt after Britton Colquit shanked the ball and downed it himself.
Seattle took over and virtually the same thing happened…Quarterback Russell Wilson was about to call an audible on the first play of the drive. The Seahawks received their first of a record 1006 False Start penalties as Center Max Unger lifted his ass and blew a Protein Bar-Gatorade fart in Wilson’s face that stopped play immediately.
CBS Field microphones caught the sound of the tremendous blast and those watching around the world in their homes with their TVs on at high volume were subjected to what was initially though as a bomb going off, with the high pitched scream of Wilson admomishing Unger: “You Nasty Motherfucker!” and the accompanying laughter from players on both sides.
When play resumed, Seattle drove the ball -47 yards, primarily due to a -47 yard scamper by Marshawn Lynch, who ran out of bounds after realizing he was running the wrong way. After a Seattle punt (which landed in the end zone and was lost somewhere just like the kickoff was because nobody could see it sue to the fog in the dome) Denver again had the ball.
Manning actually was able to complete 2 passes on the ensuing drive. One to wide receiver Eric Decker, and a second to an unknown photographer on the sidelines.
The already exasperated and obliterated officiating crew at this point just decided to give Seattle the ball wherever the hell they wanted, because they were “jazzed” about the Seahawk uniforms “with their totally awesome helmets”. Denver Coach John Fox protested vehemently to officials, who told him to “just chill the fuck out, dude”. Seattle opted to take the ball at the Denver 1 yard line.
The first score came with less than 2 minutes left in the first half (the clock had been running the entire time as no one noticed the Official Timekeeper had fallen asleep in the booth after he started the clock in the First Quarter) when Center Max Unger again farted and fell forward across the goal line untouched by the grossed out Broncos on a undesigned center sneak play. There was no point after because there was no point to a point after and both teams refused to line up for one due to the lingering fart “messing with our buzz”. So each team was guided into the locker rooms holding hands and again laughing with Seattle leading 6-0.
CBS frantically tried to recover some semblance of order by running all of their Superbowl ads one after the other. This however presented a problem as the commercial break before the Halftime show ran another 4 hours. By this time most people at home had either stopped watching and gone to bed, as it was now after midnight on the East Coast.
The Halftime Show finally happened as Beyonce’ came onto the makeshift stage to begin her set. Those in the crowd that had not gone to the bathroom or gotten food or drinks 10 to 12 times previously were non plussed by the end of her first song. Then if by magic she was suddenly replaced on stage by the 4 original members of Black Sabbath whom performed a very dirgy version of “Sweet Leaf” and exited from the field….
As the dawn of the following Monday morning appeared over the New Orleans’ skyline(nobody in the Superdome knew this as they were either passed out or just lost track of time yet again) both teams finally skipped and playfully danced about out of their locker rooms to start the second half. Both the Broncos and Seahawks players and coaches reeked of weed, had sleep creases on their faces, and resin stains all over their uniforms as they skipped.
The Second Half was delayed as the Refs forgot who had the ball again, and after initially figuring it out decided to give Denver the ball yet again “just because they could”. Denver got the ball this time on the Seattle 1 yard line and mulled around for some time as players began to grab their phones and check their Twitter accounts to see if any of this mess was trending.
Manning then took the ball from the referee and took one step across the goaline to even the score at 6-6. Nobody protested the unusual play because according to CBS color commentator Phil Simms: “Just fuck it! I’m high, Nance is high, the world is high, Black Sabbath rocked the house this morning and I fucking LOVE IT!”.
Again the clock had been running the entire time without anyone noticing as the passed out time keeper had been replaced by somebody nobody knew “but may have seen before…somewhere….maybe at a party once…who knows”.
So at the end of regulation, the score was 6-6.
What came next was the first of the 112 overtime periods that went nowhere as neither team could move more than a few feet without laughing, stealing referees’ whistles and admiring their reflections in them, and how their faces looked “really weird”.
NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell finally took charge of the deteriorating situation before the 113th overtime and called an end to the contest as in his words “everybody is just wiped right the hell out and I think a good night’s sleep will do us all some good…wait, what? It’s Tuesday afternoon? Well suck me dry and call me Dusty!”.
Super Bowl 47 ended in a 6-6 tie in the longest football game in history.
The post game press conferences were riddled with questions no one could answer.
Coach Pete Carroll commented “We had all the confidence in the world coming into this. But it;s hard to execute on the field when your players are pinching each others’ asses in the huddle and giggling like schoolgirls, We really needed to step up but that is difficult at best when your only offensive weapon is your Center who is farting all over the place and not directing your line calls….by the way, Unger’s fart was really our only weapon Today, or yesterday or when ever it happened. I have no idea…sue me!”
Peyton Manning was upset about lack of team discipline.
“You practice over and over to get perfect. We had hoped to get some positive matchups but we really couldn’t…all the different colors of the lights, the turf, these play things that Fox was telling us to run…I mean, what is up with that?”
Afroman was named MVP. He did not play, nor was he even there….he was named MVP because he got high.